Crash...Happy Endings

{Trigger Warning...I think?...I'll note where the warning ends}

As a kid, I occasionally wondered what it would be like to get in a car crash. I sat in the backseat and imagined scenarios staring out the window. I would play it out like a tv show episode.

 In hindsight yes I am entirely aware of how problematic that sounds.

At the time I thought it a survivalist thing, to know exactly what angle I would have to move at to protect my sister. To be able to get my seatbelt off to get out if the car flipped. The part I neglected to always admitted to myself is when I would think about the scenarios where I didn't make it. 

The part I really didn't like thinking about was the relief I felt in those scenarios. Because if I wasn't around everything I dreaded and pushed down. Everything I choose not to talk about could go with me. 

Bleak I know. But somedays those scenarios didn't seem all that bad. And now I don't know. 

{Trigger warning ends}

I have my permit and I love driving, though it does terrify me too. It's easy to imagine what it's like to drive but so hard to have the guts to when you're behind the wheel. I feel like that's true for most things though. 

Well I have a car, and a whole emotional story to explain it too, but we can save that for another day. The short version is it's a bit of a family heirloom with a little love put in to make it mine. I got it on my sixteenth birthday, yes I'm one of those, don't come for me. Matte Black...like my soul. Oh wow, Emo's calling it wants that line back. 

I love my car, I try to name it every couple months and then immediately forget the name, I'm thinking of Myrtle this time. Or Gertrude. The best cars have old lady names, it adds character. 

I mean except Kit from Nightrider but that car can talk so it doesn't need a bad name to validate it. Also, how many 12-year-olds reading this just left to google Nightrider? 

But I don't think about crashing nearly as much now, and it's usually a split second type of 'oh god am I swerving ahhhhhhhh' type of situation in my head. And that's a self-preservation thing, not a debatably suicidal thing so no worries I guess. 

I don't know sometimes. I mean that in more than one way. I write it all down because I don't know what any of it means. Somewhere along the lines I actually got good at writing but I still have no idea what any of it means.

It's like some days are great, some days feel like a long drive down an endless road. Like Cars and Radiator Springs. (I know I took this metaphor to a weird place, just go with it) and other days its firey crashes with no escape plans. Like that scene in Fast and Furious 6 when Dom flies across a two highway bridge (Physics says that's not possible by the way) and catches Letty in midair. 

Except I'm Dom and Letty. 

And Dom misses. 

Sooooo splat.

Le sigh. (yes that is an actual phrase, that I actually say) 

Some days I just feel like I'm making something out of nothing. Who knows? But I do think I'm not the only one who feels that way. Drinking the 'you aren't alone' Kool-aid is surprising refreshing I swear. 

And it makes me actually want to acknowledge the fact that my good days outnumber my bad. And even my car chase days have happy endings more days than not.

Moral of the story: Don't discount your happy endings. You deserve every last one. ❤❤

Bye Y'all

Watch my sassy Pikachu go, guys, 😘